I’ve always had an anxiety problem. I remember sitting in the backseat of my parents’ car on the way to elementary school and having my stomach curl with anxiety over going into school that day. This feeling never really went away, and I have repeated the feeling over almost everything in my life. Simple things like going to a cashier in a store or asking for help from a stranger causes massive anxiety for me. I got my official diagnosis for my Generalized Anxiety Disorder during my sophomore year of university, when my schedule and circumstances surrounding my university experience were causing crippling anxiety. My anxiety has improved and worsened throughout my life in a cyclical fashion, but has been noticeably better since I studied abroad.
Something about spending time abroad made my anxiety disorder considerably better, though I had no idea it would have that affect. Before going, it was worse of course and I was terrified of going to a country that I had never been to, let alone going abroad for the first time in my life. I was moving to Seoul, South Korea, for four months and I only knew three words of Korean (hello, thank you, and the word ‘friend’). In retrospect I was woefully unprepared to move abroad, but that didn’t stop me. I knew one person who was going with me, but otherwise was on my own across the world from everything I knew.
I’m not sure if it’s the exhaustion from initially going (the 48 hours of constantly travel it took in connecting flights and drive time) or if it was knowing that there was no other option than to push through what would usually stop me. I remember my therapist recommending that I go on a trip by myself when my anxiety was especially bad, saying that the experience and knowing that I could do it would help my anxiety. At the time, I followed her advice and went on a solo trip to New York City, though I met my friend there and wasn’t alone except for transit and the times she was in class.
I assume the same holds true for living abroad. I assumed that I would be forced to figure things out on my own and to live entirely independently (without parents, without roommates) for the first time in my life. Things as simple as trying to buy laundry detergent became a heavily involved process as I couldn’t read anything on the packages and nothing was the same as what my parents had bought. I couldn’t work the laundry machine on my own, I couldn’t order food on a menu on my own, and I couldn’t figure out which direction the subway was heading most of the time. The independence that I had assumed I would gain was entirely incorrect.
I learned to ask for help. Whether this was my assigned buddy answering questions about when the supermarket was open (it closed every other Sunday), or waiters answering questions about what was inside certain dishes, I was dependent on others to live. When I realized my apartment had no heating and that the floor heating they advertised was non-existent, it was up to me to fix the problem. I went to the supermarket (think Walmart of Korea) and was left staring at a wide display of space heaters, entirely uncertain of what I was getting myself into. I had to ask for help. Eventually I had a store attendant plugging each machine in and showing me how they worked, communicating on my part in broken Korean and gestures.
My anxiety over daily activities lessened during this time greatly, because walking the same path to school didn’t seem to draw the anxiety it used to when I knew I could navigate across the country without the language needed or even knowing how to say train in Korean. Forcing myself completely out of my comfort zone ended up with my anxiety initially worsening but then greatly improving. I became more confident in my ability to figure things out in any situation, and for that I am forever grateful.
(Originally written for Odyssey)
For The Sleepless Nights 